liar

i just talked to a friend of mine, someone from college who I have't spoken with in at least a year. this girl, she is one of the best, most supportive friends anyone could have, just a good person overall....and she's asking me what's been going on with me and Katie, how things are, and I had to say that everything is ok, talk about jobs and whatever, yeah, syracuse is nice, yeah yeah yeah. fuck, i hate this. especially since she is in NYC, where we will be this friday, and i would love to see her, love to see her and her roommate, another friend from school, but what do I say? no, everything isn't alright, and do you want to have coffee after we finish with our appointment at Sloan Kettering on Friday?

i don't know who i can tell, and who I can't, I don't know who Katie want to know about this. I asked her if she wanted me to post something to myspace about it, since everyone we know is on there, basically, but she wants to tell some people first, before we tell everyone. which is fine,it is her choice, she needs to have control over who knows...but all her friends are my friends too and vice versa. so if there are people I need to tell, I can't if she doesn't want them to know. sometimes it feels like I have no one to turn to other than family.

one more thing to talk about, one more thing to worry about. and the elbow MRI today and appointment with the orthopedic oncologist to talk surgery and the appointment at Sloan on Friday and then, next Tuesday, the chemo...