preparing for disaster

We went shopping the other day, more shopping than we had done in a long time. We both pride ourselves at getting by on not too much, on filling the cabinets and pantry and fridge with whole foods and only what we need...but we spent hours this time, agonizing over what to put on the shopping list, what we will need and how much, what we need out of all the lists about what to eat to heal the body, what to eat to help counteract the chemo and to make her body as strong as possible. What the animals need, so we don't have to worry about them for at least a little bit.

then running from store to store, almost filling carts, something we never do, with dried beans and grains and canned goods, crackers, nuts, seeds, hard candies for dry mouth, gingerale and herbal teas for nausea, flours and yeast enough for bread for months...Our pantry is filled with extra bottles of olive oil and canned tomatoes and beans, the freezer with frozen fruits and veggies.

it feels like we are preparing for a impending natural disaster, like the rush of people at the stores before a nor'easter hits boston. I know its not helpful to think like this, but I can't help it. We kept playing the "if we buy this, we won't need it" game, as if somehow having enough supplies for a hundred smoothies will prevent mouthsores when the mucous membranes in her mouth are killed off by the chemo...and yet we keep playing this game. I'm so sick of it already and we're only a week into this.

sorry, yesterday and today have been bad.